SoulMating

Dating do’s and don’ts

By Raquel Singer - Klein

Are you a serial first – dater? Check out what real guys say about what turns them on and off on the first date – and what makes them call for a second date.

Samantha* was baffled. Two weeks had gone by since she went out for dinner with the cute guy she had met at an art gallery, and he had not called her yet for a second date. “We had such a good time,” she says. “We went for dinner at this nice little neighborhood restaurant. He told me funny stories about his relatives and I laughed until tears rolled down my cheeks. I replayed that night in my mind over and over and I just can’t understand why I haven’t heard from him again.” A lot of us have been there. We put on our flyest clothes, laugh at all of his jokes and go home feeling assured of an instant reply. And then, when a few days turn into a few weeks without a fallow-up call, we wonder: “What did I do wrong?”

Maybe not a damn thing. “Women tend to personalize the issue when a guy doesn’t call back. Often it has nothing to do with what a women has done on a date,” says Basha Kaplan, a clinical psychologist in Naples, Florida, and the coauthor of Soul Dating to Soul Mating: On the Path Toward Spiritual Partnership (Perigee). One key to sanity, says Kaplan, is to recognize, your options: You can write it, off to experience and move on; or call him, let him know you enjoyed his company, and see where the conversation goes from there. But could you have done something differently? Sometimes the second call didn’t come because they were turned off. Clearly, you can’t control whether a guy will call you back or not. But what you can control are your dating skills. Here, straight from the guys themselves, are some of the top turnoffs that stop them from picking up the phone again.

IT’S ALL ABOUT ME, ME, ME

Jared*, a 34-year old marketing manager, remembers his one and only date with Arlene*, an executive at a teach company. “She went on and on about herself,” he gripes. “[She]talked nonstop about her job, and her MBA and her champion poodle. It was such a turn-off. She showed no interest in my life, it was a me-me-me fest, not a conversation, so I didn’t want to see her again.” Who can blame Jared? Ira Kaufman, a licensed clinical social worker in Boca Raton, Florida, says that when it comes to dating, it’s important for a woman to “show a genuine interest in [her date’s] life, work, hobbies and family.” Keep in mind the idea that first dates are something like job interviews. Reveal enough to show him your best attributes--including the ability to be interested in him--but not so much that you’d only be welcome on a tell-all talk show.

SHOW ME THE MONEY

Believe it or not, some guys who drive luxury rides and own more fly gear than you do have major beef if a woman seems too focused on their money. Tyler*, a 27-year-old associate at a law firm, shares his pain, “Leticia* seemed like a lovely lady, but I felt she was way too into the money thing,” he says. “As soon as she got in my Beemer she mentioned something about me making six figures. And throughout the night she made little remarks about money. It just didn’t seem right to be talking about those things on a first date.”

“Some women are misguided in looking for men to get them straight and in believing that a relationship with a financially stable person will improve their lives,” says Stephanie Strokes Oliver, author of Seven Soulful Secrets for Finding Your Purpose and Minding your Mission (Broadway Books). “Other element in a relationship should take precedence over money, such as common goals and values.” The key, as far as the dating game is concerned, is not to come across as too focused on cash (keep the questions and comments about salaries, bank accounts etc., to a minimum).

BOTTOM OF THE CLASS

“I’ve had my share of rude dates,” says Andres, 23. Who works in the shipping department for a major company. “I once took a date to a nightclub. As soon as we got there she saw some friends and left me standing there by myself, and later she left with her friends.” Lapses in good home training can definitely turn a guy off. If in doubt, just remember what your mama taught you: say “Please” and “thank you”, be nice to the waiter, don’t talk on the phone during dinner; and leave with the guy you came with.

MIXED MESSAGES

Guys need a green light or a red light to know how to proceed with you. And unless they are certain that you like them, they may be reluctant to call for a second date. Petra*learned this the hard way when her friend set her up with Steve*. Steve liked the engaging, intelligent bookkeeper, she was pleasant and interesting on the phone, yet she seemed distant when they met for lunch. Steve thought that Petra didn’t like him so he didn’t call her for another date. Later he found out that she had been worried about a work deadline and was distracted. Had Petra mentioned to Steve that she was worried about office stuff, Steve would have understood. “A girl must communicate by her behavior her interest [in] a guy,” says Kaufman. “One way to do that is to clearly articulate your interest in seeing him again.”

GETTING BUSY TOO SOON

The date went like butter, you like him, he likes you, the air is humming with attraction. You’re suddenly imagining what he looks like naked, but if you do the deed, will he still like you tomorrow? Ask Warren*: “I met this girl at a party and asked her out,” says the 31-year-old accountant. “She was pretty, but we didn’t really have much to talk about. We went to a club, and later she suggested we go to her apartment. Before I knew it we were in bed. We had fun, but as soon as it was over we didn’t have much to say to each other.” This didn’t bode well for the future. “I didn’t call her again, and I felt bad about it. It bothered me that she was willing to do it with me so soon. Maybe she does it with every other brother she goes out with.”

Stokes Oliver believes that waiting is a good idea for at least the first few dates. “[Women] need to focus on building a friendship, not on getting sexual,” she says, “Focus on the mental, spiritual and emotional qualities of a new man.” Ultimately, though, whether or not to sleep with a man on a first date is up to you and the guy (just remember to use a condom). Kaufman, for one, doesn’t believe first-date sex is a deal-breaker. “The ultimate success of a relationship doesn’t depend on whether or not you get intimate on a first date,” he says. “It’s a very personal and individual choice.” Whatever you decide to do, make sure you are comfortable with your decision---and never feel pressured to reward the guy for a pricey dinner.

*Name has been changed.

SEVEN WAYS TO GET THAT SECOND CALL

Enough about what not to do. These are seven proactive moves that make the most of a first date--and maximize the chance of a second one.

1. Be interested and interesting. Strike a balance between sharing compelling things about yourself and getting him to talk about himself.

2. Lead a full life. Women who have full lives, with interest and hobbies outside school or work, are more attractive to men and seem less needy than those who don’t.

3. Smile! A warm, genuine smile can make him relax and you look radiant, and it conveys your delight to be with your date.

4. Relax. You can’t make a good impression if you are uptight and nervous. Think of the first date as a chance to make a new friend, and don’t try too hard to impress him.

5. Make him feel special. Maintain eye contact, and show genuine interest in the guy you are with. If you make hem feel good about himself he will want to treat you like a goddess.

6. Be flexible. If plans change mid-date, don’t throw a fit. Go with the flow -- maybe it will be a better evening than you originally planned.

7. Be honest. While everyone may exaggerate their good qualities, nobody wants to date a liar.