SoulMating

The Columbus Dispatch,  Friday, March 26, 1999

By Dennis Fiely, Dispatch Accent Reporter

She could have married someone tall, dark and handsome.  Instead, she married someone nice. It was the best decision Hope Katz ever made.  “He didn’t take my breath away or make my Heart flutter,” Said Mrs. Katz, recalling that their relationship started with a whimper. Yet Nathan had everything Hope was looking for in a man.  He was compassionate, mature, established, spiritual and ethical.  “Our love grew,” Mrs. Katz said “It is much stronger now than when we were married.  For 28 years, we have been wonderfully happy together. The sex, the passions and the flirtations are great, but friendship is the bond between us.  It always has been.” 

 Marry your best friend, Mrs. Katz advises.  Her message echoes throughout a new book, Soul Dating to Soul Mating: On the Path Toward Spiritual Partnership (Perigee, $14), by counselors Basha Kaplan and Gail Prince of Naples. Fla.  The friendship-first Philosophy ensures lasting unions, according to Kaplan, a psychologist.  “Most people don’t think about finding someone who is their best friend: they think about finding their great lover,” Kaplan said from Florida. “Love is not enough.  If you have enough problems and differences.  Love will die, but friendship will conquer everything.”  Mr. and Mrs.Katz forever grateful to Kaplan for introducing them in 1971.  Kaplan also Owes a debt of gratitude to the Bexley couple, whose example helped inspire her book.  “They slowly got to know each other and eventually fell in love,” Kaplan said.  “This slow, steady process allowed them to develop a romantic friendship before they became physically intimate.”

 Nathan, a Columbus native and resident, would fly to Chicago on weekends to visit Hope.  “I lived with my mother. He stayed in a hotel.”  Mrs. Katz recalled.  “It was an old fashioned, 1950s- style courtship.  We never played around or lived together. I thought it was better that way.” Kaplan agrees.

 “People today don’t really date; they jump into relationships and have sex,” She said. “We suggest adding sex later, after you get to know someone.”  Passion, infatuation and lust in new relationships interfere with the development of friendship. They contribute to the “romantic illusion,” Kaplan said, perpetuated in movies, television shows, songs and books.  The illusion tricks people into thinking they have found a permanent matter when all they have found is a temporary lover.

 Our book is about getting rid of myths that create lot of sufferings,” Kaplan said.  Nathan Katz courted Hope for three months before she began to look forward to this visits.

 “It was never really magical.” Mrs. Katz said. “It was not love at first sight.”  The notion of “love at first sight” is a fool’s paradise, according to Kaplan.  “Love is something that gets better the more you get to know someone,” Kaplan said. “There is no way you can know somebody at first sight. The allure of ‘love at first sight’ is losing yourself in a relationship to escape a humdrum life. It’s like a drug.  “People think finding a mate is an act of magic. They expect a prince or princess to take them away from everything and allow them to live happily ever after.  It is not that way at all.”   Perfect relationships are fables, Kaplan insists. Yet many singles expect a “soul Mate” --- the one person who is right for them --to materialize by fate.

 “If you don’t find that person, you are going to feel like you’re a loser and everybody else is a winner,” Kaplan said.  Kaplan redefines “Soul Mates” to mean partners who connect on a level deeper than their personalities. They recognize that emotional and spiritual growth is the driving force in their lives.  Finding a Soul Mate “is about working to be a better human being so other people will want to be with you,” Kaplan added.  Toward that end, the authors devote the first 86 pages of their book to self-improvement, with little mention of significant others.

 Knowing yourself -- identifying your values, beliefs, desires, goals and limitations -- is the first and most important step toward finding a lifetime mate.  “Once you know who you are, you will know want kind of partner is right for you,” Kaplan said.  Twelve years older than Hope, Nathan was 35 when he started dating her.  She respected his maturity and strong sense of self.  “I wanted someone who had already sewn his wild oats,” She said.  He was good for her, but many singles are attracted to men and women who are bad for them.   Kaplan counted herself among the group until she recently married for the first time at the age 48.

“I didn’t love myself enough to let a loving person come close to me,” she said. “I thought nice men who wanted to date me were nerds.  Because I had critical parents, I felt comfortable with critical men.  They were familiar.  We receive a lot of nurturing from something that this familiar.    Self-knowledge insulates singles from fear of rejection.  Instead of being crushed, enlightened individuals accept rejection as a reflection of a difference in values.  They are able to reveal their “authentic slaves” on dates.  Honesty from the start increases the likelihood of engaging in an “emotionally safe” relationship that will stand the test of time.  “There is nothing I won’t tell Nathan and nothing he won’t tell me,” Mrs. Katz said.    The ability to reveal concerns and vulnerabilities should be determined early in dating.

 Someone who dismisses a date’s mention of a difficult date with a cheerful ‘Oh, that’s not so bad” probably is an emotionally unsafe person, Kaplan said. 

 Conversely, someone who presses for more information after a date’s mention of difficult day is a potential mate.  “It means the companion is interested in your well-being and wants to hear your not-so-great stuff,” Kaplan said.  Kaplan urges singles to identify their “non–negotiables.”

 “After people get to know themselves, they should make a list of important things in their lives that they are unwilling to give up,” she said. “For instance, I could never be with a smoker.  Others may not want someone with children…. People don’t think about this stuff until they are already involved with each other.  Then, they are devastated to discover they have different values and needs.”   Love rooted in friendship facilitates forgiveness.

“Nathan and I argue every day about something,” Mrs. Katz said, “but almost as soon as it starts, it’s over.  We don’t dwell on it or hold grudges.”  Most couples today engage in what Kaplan calls “companionship.”  They live together as separate people, sharing some values, interests and activities in an effort to preserve a comfortable status quo. They often fail to discuss meaningful issues. They venture outside the relationship to meet emotional and spiritual needs. “Companionship is about doing things together,” she said, “and not necessarily about being best friends.”   The book recommends activities to help couples bond more deeply.

 Mr. and Mrs. Katz recently spent two hours in the cemetery “talking” about an important event in their lives to relatives and loved ones buried there.  “That was a soul date,” said Mrs. Katz, an activity that builds emotional and spiritual intimacy.  Most parents of the Katzes’ generation married because the man was a good provider and the woman was a good mother, Kaplan said. They shared some values but not necessarily their intimacies.  Consequently, “We have few role models today for the types of relation ships we are talking about in our book. “Kaplan said.  Mr. and Mrs. Katz clearly are an exception.  When their daughter Leda recently married Alain Fretas, the wedding program paid tribute to the Katz couple.   “To our parents, “it read.  “We thank you for providing guidance and stability to our lives and especially thank you for the most important lesson you could have taught us: your commitment and love to each other.”  “Our book.” Kaplan said, “is for people who don’t have parents like Hope and Nathan Katz.”

Friendship – not fireworks – is deemed basis for successful marriage